I’m feeling very fortunate to have the opportunity to workshop with all sorts of different organisations on the topic of inclusive behaviours. On the surface, one might think it’s simple. Teach people what the behaviours are, write the list, tell people to do it and ‘hey presto!’, they’ll be an inclusive person, team or organisation.

But the reality is far from the truth. And what I am finding when I ask people the question ‘What do you think inclusive behaviour is?’, I get two things: a few moments of silence and next, a maximum of two ideas that are usually broad statements like ‘being kind’ or ‘being welcoming’.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be kind or wanting to be welcoming. But those things are not behaviours, they are intentions. And the reality is everyone is coming from a different perspective, be it cultural background, upbringing or all the other things that make us the complex and beautiful human beings that we are. So being welcoming is subjective. And kindness, or acting with kindness (yes even kindness), is subjective.

So, what do we do? How do we help people to learn about what is a behaviour versus what is an intention?

I see it like many things when it comes to behaviours and how we make daily decisions. It’s a muscle we must practice. There is no other option if we really want to do better in this area – and not only create the change but BE the change.

A recent article in the FT gave us the stark reality of how the UK workforce feels about how hard companies are trying in the area of racial inclusion. The most telling bit of information I see is that: how people are behaving is the most important concern. With 65% of respondents feeling that versus 2 years ago they feel the same or worse in terms of comfort discussing racial/ethnic background at work, we should all be very concerned. With the (likely) millions of dollars and pounds spent by corporates and other organisations on training, strategy and resource in the area of inclusion one would hope that number would be a lot lower.

But I am somewhat unsurprised because, while I truly believe in the importance of training and coaching and have had the privilege of experiencing the most transformative training experiences, I see that right now there are far too many high-level conversations about what to do mostly to build more diverse representation. And not enough difficult conversations about how people and leaders must change how they actually behave. I also think as trainers we need to be prepared to challenge folks to really think about how the actions or decisions they make on a minute-to-minute basis can affect someone of a minority.

Even within the home, I have had some lessons in this area. I am a half Filipino, a half English person who spent more than half of my life in Asia. But my education and my perspective have always been of a ‘Western outward’ mentality, which over the last few years I have had to acknowledge and (in many cases) unlearn. I used to ask my husband who (was born and grew up all his life in the Philippines) two or three times a day ‘Are you ok?’. That sounds like a harmless enough question, right? Maybe even a kind question. Something English people do all the time perhaps? (‘You alright mate’).

Well after a few years (how my husband put up with it for so long I do not know) he finally said he found it really annoying when I asked him that question. To him, it felt as if asking that all the time made it seem as if something was actually wrong. It frustrated him as it is just not the kind of thing Filipinos feel the need to do.

I sure did learn a lesson.

I jest a little telling this (slightly) humorous story. But it should speak to the fact that we’ve all got to work much harder, in the workplace (or anywhere else for that matter) on our behaviours. A self-audit on whether our behaviours really inclusive would be my recommendation for anyone. Have you automatically asked everyone to have cameras on a zoom meeting on or off, or assumed that everyone’s favourite form of communication is public speaking?

Practice the muscle. Or all the energy and resources that have been put into improving inclusion practices will have really gone to waste.