Twice in my life, I have been (knowingly) referred to as Snow White. The first time was the moment I was born, and the doctor said it as he handed me over to my mother at the Makati Medical Centre in Manila. The second time was when I was 18 and I was in the Philippines for 6 months: I had my first stint in professional acting in a German play about the Second World War. The newspaper review of my performance had nothing to say apart from that I looked as white as ‘Snow White’. I was gutted, not a moment was given to talking about whether I could act.

My mother has since passed away. She was from the Philippines and proudly so. My father, who separated from my mum when I was 4, is white British – from Doncaster. I grew up in the Philippines and Hong Kong with her and my brother. By the time I was 16, I had pretty much left home to study in the UK. But over the years I have lived in the Philippines on several occasions. I had a gap year there (that’s when I did the ‘acting’) and fell in (young) love with my neighbour. I moved back in my twenties to nurse my mother before she died and more recently in 2016, I took a sabbatical there to rediscover my roots and that’s when I met my amazing husband, also a Filipinx. I also have Hong Kong Chinese family via my stepmother giving me a cousin, four aunts and grandparents.

I speak Tagalog, I cook Asian and Filipinx (I don’t really know how to cook European food- I have to look at recipes for those), I don’t drink tea as many British people do, I’ve always struggled to have an affinity for certain things about British culture like ‘banter’. And while I do enjoy a drink, I am not big into some types of ‘pub culture’ especially when there is very little food available, or I have to stand on the pavement for hours. I welcome people in my home like a Filipinx – I offer them food, a place to rest if they need it, and welcome their friends and their families too. My husband and I have welcomed strangers into our home every Christmas. That’s just how we are, and I see it as part of my heritage that it is how we choose to operate.

While I appreciate the benefits and privileges that living in the UK and having a UK passport gives me, I have never really ever felt very British and not very white British at that. I have spent more than half of my 45-year life in Asia so I naturally gravitate towards people from the cultures I am familiar with due to my upbringing and experiences.

But that’s who I am.

And that’s not how everyone perceives me.

To some degree, this has been a very odd realisation which has sometimes been painful and has also brought me discomfort. I accept that discomfort wholeheartedly because I know that when we think about racialised experiences I simply have not had them in the same way as, say, some of my family members. So, I use that awareness, that acknowledgement in my work to teach people about key concepts in the work of inclusion such as challenging assumptions, privilege, counteracting bias, intersectionality and allyship.

I try to remember that while I might feel sad having to ‘out’ myself every time I present, train or facilitate as someone ‘mixed race’ or ‘multi-racial’ to prove who I am, this feeling is nothing compared to those who are experiencing marginalisation based on their race. Having said that, with race being a social construct not always related to skin colour that does not mean that I am not also subject to racism as I am, indeed, mixed race.

It feels hugely uncomfortable to give power to the white side by saying I am ‘white presenting’ or ‘white passing’. It reminds me that the challenge is so huge and systemic.

Some people, including those who are close to me, might ask ‘why does this even matter- are we not all the same inside?’ Yes, sure we are in some respects. But we are also all different. And accepting, talking, celebrating, and loving those differences is what makes the world so exciting, so vibrant and so interesting. I am truly grateful for how my life has given me the privilege of recognising this early on. But I do yearn for the day when I no longer have to explain who I am first and when most people actually ask me what my heritage is out of open curiosity without bias or assumption.

I will gladly tell them who I am.

Shout out to my brother for dedicating his post on International Women’s Day to me and my mother. I am so proud of the allyship we show each other. You can see his post here.