I grew up like many people, believing being thin or slim was better. And grew up believing that if I wasn’t either of those things I was ugly or unhealthy. This is unhealthy conditioning but it’s taken me till my mid-40s to realise this. And in recent weeks I’ve been looking back on how all of this started and how much I have to work at stopping myself from feeling this way.

I remember being at physical education class or ‘gym’ at primary school. Mandatory t-shirt, short shorts and all that and white plimsoles. From the moment I had to dress that way, I felt immediately exposed showing more of my body to people than I wanted to or was used to. I remember being told I wasn’t allowed to wear something else more comfortable. It meant when we had to do those summersaults or failed (at least for me) cartwheels, I was far from decent and was focussed far too much on being self-conscious than anything sporty or athletic. From the age of six or seven, I was condemned to the ‘s***’ group for sports all the way to the end of my secondary school years. Let me explain: they created the ‘boys group’ of people with sporting talent and the ‘girls group’ equivalent, and then the third one, the *s***’ group which they called the ‘mixed group’ – which had a mix of boys and girls who were just not very good (apparently). The girls got to do the ‘important’ girls’ sports like netball and hockey. The boys got to do the important boys’ sports like rugby or football. The ‘mixed’ group got to do stuff that might be ‘easier’ like basketball and rounders…Now that I write about this I am cringing at the realisation of how wrong this approach was on so many levels. Firstly, it categorises kids assuming they are unable to develop their sporting abilities, and secondly, it categorises sport as if one thing is better than another. And alas, it doesn’t allow people of different genders to try all sports. Sigh. It was, indeed, a totally un-inclusive and fixed mindset approach to developing kids in sport.

I hated playing any sport as a result of all this, especially team sports. And I also felt as if I was just not talented and not fit enough for anything really physical, to be honest. What a shame and a waste of a potential sporting childhood (especially given I actually loved watching sport and still do).

As I grew up and the concept of ‘fitness’ outside of ‘sport’ became a thing in society, I was lucky enough to have family and friends around me as positive influences. There were other options in place outside of team sports: often options that can be done in isolation with no one criticising or watching – swimming, gym-going, spin class in the dark (a personal fave). But as my interest in gym-going grew (and I been a regular gym-goer/exerciser now for over 20 years), I actually got physically ‘bigger’ at times. And there were many times when I still felt like an outsider despite my healthy approach to life. Because society has taught us to believe that fit people aren’t big. And that just is not true. I am a living example of it.

There was a point about 7 years ago when I went on a major diet plan because I had become medically obese (although if you’d asked any of my friends they would never have called me that). I gained a lot of that weight back but have not gone all the way back since. And now I am at a point where I finally feel like me. Like really me, in my body and frankly I really don’t care whether I look fatter in my short shorts then someone else. But it’s taken a conscious effort to be in spaces that are inclusive and to do things that make me feel good about myself and how I look.

I visit Soul Cycle for spin which to some people is just way too high on the ‘corny’ scale. But the fact that no one is telling me that I should or shouldn’t do ‘x’ on my bike, and no one is encouraged to look at the resistance I have added on, or compete with me makes me feel welcome and not judged. I burn more calories in that class than I have in any other class where my speed is projected on a wall for everyone to see. Covid got me interested in online aerobics style classes which I do on days I am not at the spin studio, with Team Body Project. The instructors are always joking around, they are never perfect in their moves and choreography and the people in it look like me. It makes me feel normal and I am still doing at least 30 minutes a day with them.

So why am I telling this story? Body image is a challenge for many people. And it’s important to remember that, as it relates to exercise, we are conditioned by our past and things we were told to believe about what constitutes sporty, fit, healthy..the list goes on in this area. I encourage everyone to break away from these constructs. Ironically, those constructs can be worse for our health – particularly mentally.

I saw a headline the other day that said something about not being able to use the word ‘diet’ or mention that someone’s been dieting but to say someone looks ‘well’. I’d go much much further because ‘well’ still connotes someone should have shifted from who they were, and that what they were was no good in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, if your health is at huge risk change needs to happen with as much love and support as possible. And, I am certainly not perfect at this, because I am personally fighting my own conditioning every day…

But, how about saying ‘You are great, just as you are’.