Before I left Hong Kong and a month before I finished my last role at WPP, I had penned in my first chance to facilitate an amazing little workshop I had experienced months before. #IamRemarkable is a google initiative which helps to challenge perceptions around self promotion, especially for women and marginalised groups. It’s also a great little workshop for the privileged to gain a better understanding of the challenges faced.

If I am honest, I was skeptical about just how much value I could get out of 1.5 hours. But I was blessed with a group from all around the world and all sorts of backgrounds and careers or life experiences who were open to hearing and sharing.

As a facilitator I had been busy prepping myself for the online training experience. The truth was I was also under immense pressure in the work place, to wrap up some massive projects before my departure. Not only that ,at home we were in the throes of organising a very stressful move to the UK. We were packing boxes for weeks, organising visas, PCR tests, all the paper work that goes with moving country and more.

The night before the training which was to happen first thing the next morning, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was racing with all the ‘to-do’ lists in my brain. It was racing with worries and fears about the next stage in life. And then I thought to myself by the time it was already 3am and not a wink of sleep was had: ‘I cannot do this training…I am useless, I can’t even sleep, I am an imposter..’ And I didn’t feel in any way remarkable. I had had a full blown anxiety attack and my husband found me crying on the bathroom floor. Something I had never had in my life, ever.

By the time day light arrived, I had to let work know, and my participants know, that this training was sadly not going to happen and I wasn’t going to be working that day. BUT I’d be back with new dates soon. There was just no way I was going to do this training feeling the way I did.

After seeking help from those around me who have supported my mental health I was able to get the help I needed. And I knew that I could go to work the next day as I had been working through the process of ‘recovery’ and therapy for over a year. This attack, in some ways, had to happen. It was, indeed, part of the process.

And the reason why I want to share this story. Well, it is firstly important for me to acknowledge my own self-doubt. By having that self awareness, I can make a difference and change myself and my own attitudes. But secondly, to share the story means that others can identify with an experience that is truly visceral and therefore real instead of glossing over the scary or ugly details and know that it is indeed possible to move through such pain and come out the other side.

A few weeks later, I finally ran my first workshop and thanks to google I do get to see how well people rate my skills (not bad so far!). I have another training coming up on the 15 November which I am really looking forward to passing on to others.

Indeed, I am NOT an IMPOSTER and #IamRemarkable.